In the tradition of my other unwritten parenting masterpiece, Force Father, in which I share how to raise a child using Star Wars?s guiding principal, comes Zombie Dad.
In this new volume, I will describe how to accept that our children are zombies and impart techniques for breaking through and raising zombies who just might be able to get by in society.
Our children are zombies, you ask?
Yes, after successive nights of battling Theo over the brushing of his teeth?
Dadler: Theo, brush your teeth.
Theo: No
Dadler: Theo, it?s time to brush teeth.
Theo: No
?30 minutes later?
Dadler: If we had back the time we?ve spent fighting about brushing your teeth, we might have cured cancer.
Theo: No
?it?s come to me that the reason our culture is gaga for zombies (The Walking Dead, etc.) is because our children are zombies.
In addition to the physical similarities between a zombie and a baby pointed out by Charlie & Andy last week, look at the behavioral facts: They do not hear us when we speak. They do not acknowledge simple requests like stop hitting your sister. They only eat foods that are a lot like brains (pasta). They do not listen (did I mention this one twice?).
Oh, sure, they do wonderfully non-undead things like laugh, draw pictures of butterflies, basic math, and say ?I love you.? But they are still up to 62.5 percent zombie.
Zombie Dad will teach you how to cope, including the chapters:
? Breaking through the zombie silence
? Why your zombie eats only brains (pasta) and how to turn it to your advantage
? Undead soccer: How to appreciate the nuances of a clump of children standing over a soccer ball kicking each other
? Zombie toileting: Flushing is not for everyone
? Even a corpse can say ?please? and ?thank you?
Much like the The Walking Dead has games and apps supporting it ? including one that lets you keep track of how many times your heroes whack a zombie with, say, a shovel (I?m not making this stuff up) ? I?m creating a companion app for Zombie Dad called ?My Little Zombie.?
It?s kind of a riff on BabyCenter?s awesome baby app but with special undead features, such as daily activities you can do with your walking-dead child, like staring contests.
But what do you think: Am I missing any chapters or app features you think might come in handy? I?m open to ideas?
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Photo: ?That?s a zombie with blood dripping out of its mouth? by Theo, which was Theo?s birthday card for Mrs. Dadler.
Source: http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/10082012raise-your-zombie-with-my-new-parenting-book/
shannon de lima joe torre west virginia university michele bachmann jessica biel tim howard west virginia
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